Looking Before I Leap...

WELL, hello hello again. I was greatly surprised a few moments ago, almost humbled actually, that people actually read my Blog and bother to comment. Not that I'd advertise it, seeing as most of the time it's an outlet for ranting at the indiscretions of other individuals who've, at that point in time, had the bad luck to invoke my ever vigilant wrath.


Well, the time come in the life of almost every teenager, I think, when he's forced to do some introspection, some soul-searching, if you will. And I find that when I do it, I don't totally like what I see. Of course, I AM very fond of myself, sometimes, as you've probably noticed, almost full of myself. And yet, I cannot banish the feeling of doubt that I find myself experiencing when I turn introspective.

We all have regrets, it's true isn't it. And I like any normal person have my own. But the question that I find myself plagued with recently is, am I a coward? Sure I wouldn't back down in a fight, even if I was fighting for the wrong reason. And I'd give anything to protect the people I love. (As much as I moan about her my sister is one of them.) But the courage I'm talking about is rather different.

The courage I'm talking about, is the courage to stand up for what I believe in. The courage to speak my mind when I feel that a wrong has been committed. Sure I rant about them all the time, but like Lycaphim said in one of his comments I haven't actually DONE anything about it, and I find myself questioning my reasons. I used to think that, I wasn't saying anything so that I wouldn't waste my parents money and get kicked out of college. Because if I did say something I'd be making a grand speech, using words that, might not be approved of in trying to expose the perverseness of adults. Then I rationalized, that, I'd be wasting my breath saying anything at all since I'm an object of seemingly no consequence in this world, not to mention that college.

Now I find myself in question. As Linkin Park sing. Guilty be association. Association with, ironically enough, myself. And a name that I formerly held on to. A reputation, actually. See, sometime during the first semester of college, I gained the reputation of a rebel. A rebel without a cause, to some. But the cause is quite obvious to me. My brothers, and sisters by age. The class that the world has labeled "teenagers" we're being oppressed. No, I'm not being melodramatic my friend. It's the hard, cold, ugly, truth. We're being oppressed, slowly but surely, because it's been dictated by society, that because of our age, and because "our bodies are changing, hormones have come into play" we're not in possession of our mental facilities. In short, the adults think we're idiots. Stupid pieces of manflesh with no form of coherent thought other than, "OHMYGOD (Insert name of some band here) IS COMING!!" or, "My parents suck...Kill me now." or, "I hate my college, I'm just rebellious because I can be. Who says I need a cause." Among a whole hoard of other phrases that we've come to be associated with.

I don't blame you adults. Not that much anyway. I know why you do it. It's simply because, you don't know any better. Like a dog that urinates on a guest's shoe. You simply don't know any better. It's just what has been passed down to you by your forebears. Maybe I'll become like you someday. I hope that God gives me to grace not to, but maybe I will. If that day come I'll hate myself. Because I right now? I hate you. All you adults out there, you adults who treat us teenagers like irresponsible rabble who are wasting our lives away doing the things we happen to love.

It's really not your fault, and I know I shouldn't, and I'm sorry, but with all I have inside me, I hate you. It makes me ugly, ties me up in little knots, tears me up from inside. And it's probably the reason I have all these damn pimples, but I can't help it. I utterly hate you all. The reason for it is simple, really. Because of you, I'm an outcast. I don't even fit in with my own kind. The teenagers I try so hard to protect. My brothers and sisters whose rights I'm fighting for right now. I don't fit in anywhere, all thanks to you. You've molded me into what I am. All I can do is hate, and all I hate is you. Because you made me ugly. You've turned me into someone even my own friends ridicule. Names like Captain Emo, you don't know how they hurt, DO YOU?

But in truth, I'm tired. Really, I am. I thought if I made myself strong inside, hardened my heart against everything you could throw at me, I could win. Because no matter what you couldn't hurt me. But no, I'm not strong enough. And I can't take it. I'd like to say you all win, just give up and let you trample me. Drown out my inconsequential voice in the din of your disapproval. But I know that I was made for this. That as long as I am a teenager, and as long as I am alive, I'll fight people like you, until you all either accept my kind, disappear, or I die.

I can't even love properly because of you. Do you know that? I tell someone I love her with all my heart, but even as I say it, I question myself. Because the only feeling I know for sure is this burning hatred, and I can't let it go. I don't know what love really feels like, because no matter how strong my love is, it's always over-shadowed by hatred. You keep us apart, don't think I don't know. I've had THREE relationships, and in all of them, the common denominator was that I was kept apart from them because of adults. You think just because we're young we're not capable of feeling things for real, and knowing it? You think we're not human like you. That tearing us apart doesn't hurt?

Let me ask you, all adults reading this, if any do. If someone came into your house and took away your spouse, or your boyfriend/girlfriend, and kept them away from you, allowing you to see them for perhaps, half an hour every seven days. How would you feel? Could you survive? Could you stand the anguish? This is assuming you love your spouse/romantic partner.

Teenagers have feelings too. We're just better at hiding them. Okay, sure you can tell what we're feeling. But you don't know the depth of it, do you?

The saddest thing is? You've succeeded at tearing us teenagers apart. There are those who are reading this now and probably going, "What kind of crap is this guys spouting." I don't doubt it. There may be a few who agree with me. Maybe. But who will stand beside me? No one.

Teenagers. All you others out there who choke on your tears at night. Who question yourself over and over again. I salute you. I'm one of you. And I tell you all, I love each and every one of you. And I wish you all the best. Keep fighting. Okay, sentimental mode: off.

Well, I suppose I'll end here, God knows, this post is long enough already without me emoing some more. But before I go, I've realized. Adults? Thank you. Thank you for making me stronger, for giving me the strength I need and hardening my resolve. You've armed me with the best weapons I could ever ask for to fight you. And that's what I thank you for. Outside I obey you. But know, that inside I hate you. And I fight you all the way. I'm but a teenager, and I don't matter,
But Hey,
Life's Like That....Nobody said it would be a walk in the park...
Jared